What It Was Like On The Inside ~

I swore I’d never, ever, forget………

Original Journal entry written 10 Jan 08~

“The walls in this place she was in engulfed her, ON EVERY SIDE. Almost completely made of cinderblocks and metal. All of it painted a putrid, sick, yellow that just didn’t quit…. There were 10 bunks, 2 tables, 1 sink/toilet/shower; shared by all. All made of metal. Startlingly, ice cold, shiny metal.

Original cover

Original cover

She shared this place with other women, the number changed daily.  But there were a couple, who like her, were there for a long time. The sounds were so overwhelming; gates and doors slamming, inmates and guards yelling. All hours of the day and night, literally. And those guards clanging keys….almost as if just to tease her… But she knew they weren’t there to set her free.

At least not now. Not for a very long time; for what ended up feeling like a relentless, insidious, nightmarish, never ending time. And then there were the lights. Always on, always bright, literally 24/7.

And it was so cold. She was so very cold all the time, no matter what she tried to stay warm. They kept it like that on purpose. They’re theory was that freezing inmates keeps them from fighting as much as possible; because then arms and hands are more likely to be pulled tightly to themselves for warmth as opposed to up in the air fighting someone, which happens constantly anyway.

She’d been in a place like this before… too many times. But obviously not enough; obviously, since here she was once again, and not just for a day or two.

365atw Top View

365atw Top View

The pain of her surroundings were just shy of unbearable. But nothing hurt as much as, or was as difficult to deal with, as the pain of being locked away from her family. That alone felt as though she was dying. Dying from the inside out. A slow, miserable, tortuous death, that’s exactly how it felt.

She’d been in so much pain all through her forty-two years on earth, both physical and mental; but nothing had ever compared to the way she hurt now. The more it hurt the more she tried to put it into words… But there simply were no words to convey it. Bottom line was she had no idea how long she’d be there; she just knew each day was one too many.

The guards were mostly cruel; all but a rare few. It didn’t matter why you were there, or if you’d been proven guilty yet because to them all inmates are criminals; pure scum in their eyes. It was like the incarceration itself wasn’t enough punishment. The guards seemed to act as though their job there was their personal mission to punish every inmate, every shift they worked. Each day she longed for her family; her children, her husband. Each day she cried out, but only to herself, to be saved, spared…

In her heart though she knew no one would hear and if they did no one would care, not in that place. No one, except the God she still managed to have faith in. But also a God she knew was disappointed in her; a God she knew would not let her free anytime soon, and for good reasons she would later come to understand.

A peek inside....

A peek inside….

She prayed to Him each day anyway, at the very least it seemed to bring her some peace moment by moment. It was all she could do…for now. Each night before she closed her eyes and tried hard to fall asleep, she’d cross one more day off her hand made calendar; wondering how many more make shift calendars would she make, how many more days would she cross off? How many more could she endure?”


8 responses to “What It Was Like On The Inside ~”

  1. Nanci says :

    I cannot wait to read the rest of this …. Beautiful KariAnne inside as well as out … Much love and Hugs to you my sweet friend .

  2. Linda Dempsey says :

    to my most wonderful daughter, you always attended the school of Hard Knocks, I thought growing up you would learn from me that school stinks but as you are my daughter only graduation from the place is our only way out, and thankfully and most wonderfully we both have our diploma in the form of scars only seen on the inside of our heart and soul, unfortunately your brother attended the same as you and I. I must admit that you and your brother attended the college and i only the school but I do know the same pain, seperation, despare ,loneliness, emptiness that you endured, and I thank our Lord for your wonderful Husband who had demonstrated the true form of unconditional love that Our Lord speaks of and I am so thankful He gave him to you so many years ago, He has shown you the love that I never could , that you needed. I know you have grown into a wonderful woman, one I am so proud to say I was chosen to give birth to you. That road you travel was one of heritage, one that came from my mother’s family, one that I pray is now blocked off, never to be travel again by anyone we love. Keep on this road my first born baby girl, my precious daughter, your Mama loves you so much, so very much

  3. Susan says :

    Kari, this is a very soul wrenching story, and I hope it was a healing experience getting it all out. Love and Peace

    • SKari Kari says :

      Thank you Susan. You have such an incredibly sweet and soothing spirit! It is indeed a healing experience, but I have only 1 entry done out of almost a 1000 because many days I journaled more than 1 entry… I’ve been wanting to get started for 5+ years, so getting it going and that first one written is awesome!!! But stay tuned cuz there is much more to come 🙂

  4. suburbanclairvoyant says :

    Enjoyed reading this, although it seems to be about somebody else, not the Kari I know. Am looking forward to reading more, I’m glad you are putting this out there and sharing your story. 🙂

  5. Preacher Bill says :

    The Lord gives us free will, what we choose to do with it is also used to all glory for the Lord. God makes no mistakes, never not once. All that is happens for His benefit not ours. The story you share has been one of the roads traveled and shared by so many. Some take the turn around ahead others will continue to suffer and walk down the road that leads to total destruction. I am blessed to have you as a sister in Christ. The road you traveled was not in vain. You have ran the course and have survived. All you need to do now is share the wonderful blessings learned by traveling through life’s course with others in hopes they will listen. You are a living example of the rich man crying out for Lazarus to send a few drops of water down to hell and then asking to please send someone to warn his family so they will not suffer the same fate. God bless and keep you my dear sister. Love you bunches your brother Preacher Bill

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