Archive | February 2014

Broken

One night while I was in the prison, almost 6 months at that point actually, a peculiar thing occurred. It still freaks me out to this day how it happened. I woke up suddenly from a fairly deep sleep; the deepest sleep possible all things considered. It literally was like snap and I woke up.

I laid there for a bit as a random poem literally flashed into my mind. I really, really didn’t want to move knowing that the second I did I’d be miserable trying to get settled again without waking anyone.

But I had to get it wrote down before I forgot it, and I’d have to be quiet as a mouse getting out my writing supplies. As I laid there this poem kept intensely nagging at me. I knew this was one of those rare moments in life when you receive something amazing and precious, and even a little bit divine.

I say divine because these words were only given to me; and I was just the vessel to share it. I knew for sure if I didn’t write them down at that very moment I’d lose it forever! So I very quietly got paper and pen and began to write down the poem just as it was given to me, exactly as I heard it, word for word, in the very pale glow of the night in the dorm……Broken

25 October 08 / midnight

BROKEN

I was broken into pieces; like being pinned between car and tree.

My heart was bleeding out all my love; my soul literally fading out of me.

If you’d seen me in that condition you’d have thought I’d never live.

But what no one could see, not even me, was the miracle of me learning to forgive.

~

Just as all the life I had left was almost completely gone,

I heard my Savior and My God calling me back,

“No, wait my child, you’ve not sung your last song”

Then “There’s still so much more for you to do, but that will come in time.

No brokenness is too great for Me sweet precious child of Mine!

Right here, right now, its time to heal as I embrace you in my love.

So close your eyes, rest in me, and let Jesus hold you up; as I heal you from heaven above”

~

It was as though the pain wasn’t happening to me;

As though it wasn’t my body, heart and soul feeling crushed between car and tree,

Instead I could feel the sweet, wonderful grace of God miraculously beginning to set me free.

~

As I closed my eyes I realized I’d been given another chance.

I’d live to love again, hold my children, and with my husband I would dance.

I’m healed now in every way, that was almost a year ago.

Anyone who sees me now would never have a way to know,

The condition I once was in, as now my new life began,

With my eyes on the cross as I go!

~

But the proof of it is that I survived at all after being broken up like that.

Because without the mighty hand of God theres no way I could’ve ever made it back!!

So believe me as I tell you there really is hope for ANYONE!

That hope is in God’s love for you and in His only risen Son!

~

The only thing required is that you make a simple choice.

So Just reach out to Him, He’s always there, and cry out in your loudest voice;

“My God, My Savior, please rescue me” and then to you HE WILL RUN!!

……….Then just let Him hold and heal you, feel His amazing grace,

Because now your new life too has just begun!……………

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What Its Like On The Inside…..

Original cover

Original cover

Originally written 10 Jan 08~

“The walls in this place she was in engulfed her, ON EVERY SIDE. Almost completely made of cinderblocks and metal. All of it painted a putrid, sick, yellow that just didn’t quit…. There were 10 bunks, 2 tables, 1 sink/toilet/shower; shared by all. All made of metal. Startlingly, ice cold & shiny metal.

She shared this place with other women, the number changed daily.  But there were a couple, who like her, were there for a long time. The sounds were so overwhelming; gates and doors slamming, inmates and guards yelling. All hours of the day and night, literally. And those guards clanging their keys….almost as if just to tease her… But she knew they weren’t there to set her free.

A peek inside....

A peek inside….

At least not now. Not for a very long time. For what ended up feeling like a relentless, insidious nightmarish, never ending time. Then there were the lights. Always on, always bright, literally 24/7.

And it was so cold. She was so very cold all the time, no matter what she tried to stay warm. They kept it like that on purpose. They’re theory was that freezing inmates keeps them from fighting as much as possible; because then arms and hands are more likely to be pulled tightly to themselves for warmth as opposed to up in the air fighting someone, which happens constantly anyway.

She’d been in a place like this before… too many times. But obviously not enough; obviously, since here she was once again, and not just for a day or two this time.

365atw Top View

365atw Top View

The pain of her surroundings were just shy of unbearable. But nothing hurt as much, or was as difficult to deal with, as the pain of being locked away from her family. That alone felt as though she was dying. Dying from the inside out. A slow, miserable, tortuous death; that’s exactly how it felt to her.

ID BraceletID Bracelet for San Marcos Sheriff’s Office,
San Marcos, TX

She’d been in so much pain all through her forty-two years on earth, both physical and mental; but nothing had ever compared to the way she hurt now. The more it hurt the more she tried to put it into words… But there simply were no words to convey it. Bottom line was she had no idea how long she’d be there; she just knew each day was one too many.

The guards were mostly cruel; all but a rare few. It didn’t matter why you were there, or if you’d been proven guilty yet because to them all inmates are criminals; pure scum in their eyes. It was like the incarceration itself wasn’t enough punishment. The guards seemed to act as though their job was their personal mission to punish every inmate, every shift they worked. Each day she longed for her family; her children, her husband. Each day she cried out, but only quietly to herself, to be saved, spared…

In her heart though she knew no one would hear and if they did no one would care, not in that place. No one, except the God she still managed to have faith in. But also a God she knew was disappointed in her; a God she knew would not let her free anytime soon, and for good reasons.

She prayed to Him each day anyway, at the very least it seemed to bring some peace moment by moment. It was all she could do…for now. Each night before she closed her eyes and tried hard to fall asleep, she’d cross one more day off her hand made calendar,

Hand Made Calendar

Hand Made Calendar

wondering how many more make shift calendars would she make? How many more days would she cross off? How many more could she endure?”